There are some things (well, maybe a lot of things) that you don’t want your child(ren) to have to experience in life. Heartbreak. Confidence setbacks. Disappointment. Suffering. And yet, as adults, we know these experiences are inevitable in some capacity for everyone.
Lately, my husband and I have found ourselves navigating the hard parts of parenting. With every adverse situation that arises with our teens, we find ourselves asking the same question: What is our role here? Do we listen and sit back? Do we jump in? Do we let a coach or teacher take the lead? Or do we step forward and guide?
Raising teenagers has been incredibly introspective. It gives us countless opportunities to reflect on our own teenage years, to revisit our own formative moments as adolescents, and reconsider guidance that we needed most.
We are knee-deep in the years when our big kids are forming their self-identities. Their friends, trusted voices and outside influences all contribute to the noise in their developing minds. We know that we are not the only voices they hear (and maybe not even the loudest ones), which makes it even more important that we remain consistent with our presence and our language. It’s important that we remind them who they are while also encouraging them to be better. To keep being kind. To keep showing up. To keep listening. To keep being teachable. And to keep learning with every experience.
Of course, in our heart of hearts, we absolutely want to throw our shields all the way around them and protect them from life’s hard hits. But what I’m slowly learning is this: it’s often the moments we wish we could spare them that the real work of growing up begins.
Adversity is where growth happens and, in our experience, it is where the most growth happens. As my husband and I continue to frame their current situations and offer perspective of the “bigger picture,” what we know for sure is that adversity is where you have the most opportunity. Navigating adversity helps develop emotional intelligence and maturity. It can strengthen resilience and ultimately help them be better equipped to face future (maybe even bigger) life challenges without us.
While we’re focused on leading them through, it’s important that we remind ourselves of the reality that we are teaching our kids how to bounce back from hard moments. We’re teaching them repair and courage and resilience. And full transparency? No one said it would be easy to teach. But it feels heavier some days than I anticipated. Because adversity doesn’t just shape our teenagers, it shapes all of us. It shapes our parenting styles. It shapes our marriage. It shapes us as individuals.
Adversity is unavoidable. Our job isn’t to eliminate every hardship – it’s to help our kids see that they can rise through it. And to believe that, even when it feels heavy, the struggle is shaping something good. This is the hard work of growing up. It’s the part that stretches and strengthens both the child, and I dare say, the parents.
-by Destini McPherson
