A couple of months ago I was having dinner with one of my dearest girlfriends. She’s a mother of five with another baby on the way, and I was asking her advice on curating an environment in our home where everyone plays a part in making sure that the functions of running a farm and home can go smoothly. She grew up playing sports, as did her husband, and she said that because of having a background in sports, they have a “team” mindset when they view their responsibilities and each other. Faith being the foundation in the way they live and breathe, she said, “We have a family motto and I repeat it to our children often. The motto is ‘We Are a Team and Our Goal is Heaven.’”
Being like-minded in faith, I found that to be significant; not just the motto itself (though beautiful and simple enough for everyone to process and remember), but the idea of having a motto, a phrase, a goal as a family unit that they use to guide their lives as parents and steward the actions and perceptions of their children. She and her husband are teaching their children to perceive one another as a partner, a teammate. They do the heavy lifting together. They share the load. They view each other as support, help, contributors.
I’ve been thinking about that conversation with her for months, pondering what our own motto might be in the McPherson home. Our big kids are in middle school now and as they get older, I’ve been thinking about their perception of home and our family unit. Because they visit their mom every other weekend, they hold space in two completely different worlds. I personally have no idea what that must be like as a child, and maybe because I don’t share their experience, I spend a lot of time worrying about the space that they hold in our world. When they come home, do they view us as teammates? Do they know we are here for them and with them?
All that to say, I don’t want to confuse being a teammate with being a friend. I absolutely think it’s important for kids to view and respect parents as authoritative figures. I think it’s important to be parents to them in these years while they live under our roof, and I think it’s important to build a friendship when they no longer reside here. I know the “parent vs. friend” perception is very controversial in the parent-talk world, and I am open to opposing views. I know everyone doesn’t agree with my beliefs and that is completely okay! In our house, at their current ages, I choose to be their parent. I think that’s what they need now. And later in life, I look forward to being their friend. In the meantime, could we also be a team?
Our oldest son plays soccer for his school league. I wonder if I used terms like “assist” and “defend” and “goal” in our conversations how his view of me as his bonus mom might change if he sees me as his assist? What would it be like if I just simply reminded him that we are a team? All five of us… We’re in it together. And while we’re talking about how curating a “team environment” might be beneficial to the kids, let’s talk about how it also might be beneficial to parents. Often as a mom, I feel like Mrs. Do It All, and by talking to my girlfriends, I know that other moms can feel bogged down by being the housekeeper and the grocery seeker and taxi driver while also being the janitor and oh, the chef. But what if moms and dads felt the energy of a team environment? Would it change the weight of the load? Would it be a relief to know that I don’t have to be Mrs. Do It All because I am part of a team, and we are all doing it together?
By the time our 20-month-old is in middle school, I feel like we’ll have this concept mastered (or at least I hope we do), and while his living conditions will look a little different than our big kids, the heartbeat for our family will still be the same: we are a team and our goal is Heaven.
-by Destini McPherson
